bluflamingo: half orange with segments in rainbow colours (Cadman: B&W)
bluflamingo ([personal profile] bluflamingo) wrote2009-12-05 06:26 pm

Help!

He looks around, and there’s the Ferris wheel, and right, he was looking for Cam, when he bumped into him

How do I rephrase this to get rid of 'he bumped into him'? He being John and him being Cam. I tried 'when John bumped into him,' and 'when he bumped into Cam,' and even 'the other boy,' but none of them sound right and I'm stuck. Help!
sid: (Flyboys)

[personal profile] sid 2009-12-05 07:51 pm (UTC)(link)
I'm not sure how much this helps, but I think the comma after 'Cam' should go.

Oh, and maybe make it 'when they bumped into each other'?