Help!

[bluflamingo]

He looks around, and there’s the Ferris wheel, and right, he was looking for Cam, when he bumped into him

How do I rephrase this to get rid of 'he bumped into him'? He being John and him being Cam. I tried 'when John bumped into him,' and 'when he bumped into Cam,' and even 'the other boy,' but none of them sound right and I'm stuck. Help!

Comments

[scrollgirl]

I'm actually a little confused by your sentence. What's the timeline here? You start off present tense, then shift to past tense. So John had been looking for Cam, and had bumped into him, and now he's... looking for Cam again and there's the Ferris wheel? He's trying to orient himself so he can find Cam again?

How about: He looks around, and there’s the Ferris wheel, and right, he was looking for Cam, had bumped into him (previously)

Also, whoa! Are you writing about John and Cam as teenagers?? If you are, omigod, I may have to marry you and have your babies!

[bluflamingo]

The timeline makes sense in context - they're together now, and an hour ago, Cam ran into John. So now he's remembering that, when Cam ran into him, he (John) was looking for Cam. I'm starting to think my GCSE English tutor had a point when she said to write about a male and a female character, so you don't have pronoun issues!

Are you writing about John and Cam as teenagers?? If you are, omigod, I may have to marry you and have your babies!

That sounds...biologically complicated :o) But yes, I am, for rarepairs on Monday.

[sid]

I'm not sure how much this helps, but I think the comma after 'Cam' should go.

Oh, and maybe make it 'when they bumped into each other'?

[bluflamingo]

That does help, thanks.