Advice please?

[bluflamingo]

A friend of mine (who I haven't seen in the better part of a year, since she got a girlfriend) got in touch with me this week, hey, how are you, let's catch up, to which I said yes, definitely, coffee this weekend, and so we set it up for this afternoon.

She rocked up with her girlfriend, which she hadn't mentioned doing at all, and didn't say anything about (other than introductions). Definitely wasn't an unexpected thing that she was around and hence invited along. Having never met her girlfriend, and not even knowing in advance that they were still together (and because I was expecting to have coffee with my friend, not meet a new person), I was slightly thrown.

I guess some people just assume that you means you-and-your-partner but she's the only friend I have who's ever made that assumption, and I'm not up for having friend time co-opted into friend and partner time, as nice as her partner seems to be. I get that sometimes she'll bring partner, of course, but I don't see that it's just a standard thing that doesn't rate any kind of conversation. Plus, my friend brought up a couple of things that are too personal for me to talk about in front of her partner who I don't know, and it felt like I was expected to entrust her with this stuff as much as I do my friend, despite her being a stranger to me (maybe because my friend trusts her and considers it transitive? Or just didn't think?)

Question is: how do I say this to my friend in a way that won't sound like I don't like her partner? Especially since her partner lives in another town, so I guess they spend their entire weekend together, and I kind of feel like a mean bitch for saying, actually, can it just be you and me (other than the obvious solution of only asking to do things on week nights, when I assume that they're not together).

Comments

[rubygirl29]

I agree that first tell your friend that you like her partner, and would welcome the opportunity to get to know her, but that you'd love to have time alone with your friend to talk about things that her partner might not either be interested in, or are part of your shared friendship that might make her feel like an outsider. It's okay to say you felt awkward talking about things that you felt were too personal to talk about in the presence of someone you didn't know, no matter how nice they are.

Then cross your fingers and hope your friend understands!

[bluflamingo]

Thanks - I think she probably will understand, and I guess if she doesn't, it's not a friendship that would work long term anyway.