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Saturday, August 2nd, 2014 09:09 pm
A friend of mine (who I haven't seen in the better part of a year, since she got a girlfriend) got in touch with me this week, hey, how are you, let's catch up, to which I said yes, definitely, coffee this weekend, and so we set it up for this afternoon.

She rocked up with her girlfriend, which she hadn't mentioned doing at all, and didn't say anything about (other than introductions). Definitely wasn't an unexpected thing that she was around and hence invited along. Having never met her girlfriend, and not even knowing in advance that they were still together (and because I was expecting to have coffee with my friend, not meet a new person), I was slightly thrown.

I guess some people just assume that you means you-and-your-partner but she's the only friend I have who's ever made that assumption, and I'm not up for having friend time co-opted into friend and partner time, as nice as her partner seems to be. I get that sometimes she'll bring partner, of course, but I don't see that it's just a standard thing that doesn't rate any kind of conversation. Plus, my friend brought up a couple of things that are too personal for me to talk about in front of her partner who I don't know, and it felt like I was expected to entrust her with this stuff as much as I do my friend, despite her being a stranger to me (maybe because my friend trusts her and considers it transitive? Or just didn't think?)

Question is: how do I say this to my friend in a way that won't sound like I don't like her partner? Especially since her partner lives in another town, so I guess they spend their entire weekend together, and I kind of feel like a mean bitch for saying, actually, can it just be you and me (other than the obvious solution of only asking to do things on week nights, when I assume that they're not together).
Saturday, August 2nd, 2014 11:28 pm (UTC)
I caught up with an old friend recently and she brought her fiance, but she did say that she would be out with him and was it ok if he came along. I said yes, even though it meant that I couldn't really talk about the things I wanted to talk about.

Maybe explicitly say that you do like her partner. And then frame it: you want to talk to your friend about your shared stuff and you don't want her partner to feel left out and also that it makes you feel a bit weird given how well you know your friend and how little you know her partner. I think you can't just make it about her girlfriend, because then she can say that that's ok and you'd have to change tack, which could seem awkward. "It would be great to have some one-on-one time with you."
Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 07:29 am (UTC)
One thing is fore sure - you should tell your friend about thing you were uncomfortable with during the meeting. But how to do that would depend on your friend, I think, if she's straight forward kind of person just say it, if she's about clues and hints or easily getting upset it will take more time because you would have to be more sensitive about it. Probably you should also make sure she knows you are not against her girlfriend, that you just don't know her.
I hope everything turns out ok. *hugs*
Sunday, August 3rd, 2014 02:52 pm (UTC)
I agree that first tell your friend that you like her partner, and would welcome the opportunity to get to know her, but that you'd love to have time alone with your friend to talk about things that her partner might not either be interested in, or are part of your shared friendship that might make her feel like an outsider. It's okay to say you felt awkward talking about things that you felt were too personal to talk about in the presence of someone you didn't know, no matter how nice they are.

Then cross your fingers and hope your friend understands!