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[bluflamingo]

I was clearing out my files today, and I came upon this, that I wrote a while ago. I've no idea if it works or not, or if it seems finished, because the back-story is so clear in my head that I can't tell if it's clear or not. If that made any sense :)

So, any feedback gratefully received, even if you're telling me it's total nonsense and doesn't make any sense!



I don’t know what I’m doing here.

I know what people think, but I…

They’re all here to say goodbye, and it took a lot for them to ask me, I know, but I…

I don’t want to say.

I don’t know what the truth is. I don’t know if I already said goodbye, or if I can’t say it yet.

I do know that I’m not here to say goodbye. Not like this.

It’s not what you would have wanted.

Which is a stupid thing to say, of course, because you wouldn’t have wanted this at all, and it makes no difference what it’s like, really.

But it isn’t how you would have wanted it to be, if anyone would have asked you.

I don’t belong here, among the lilies (you hated lilies, they made you sneeze), and the relatives in black (you always said black made people look like crows. Even me).

I’m sorry. I look like a crow. I should have taken your advice, but I wanted to hide. I didn’t want them to see me.

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t know why I said yes.

I don’t even recognise the person they’re talking about, this girl who studied hard, and graduated well, and got a proper job in London. Who was quiet and studious and ambitious and sure to do well in her new job… Who lived with her nice roommate in a nice flat.

It’s like listening to them talk about someone I used to know, a long time ago. A long lost friend, barely remembered.

I remember the day I met you, how you spoke up, and how I watched you afterwards and saw you shaking. The last days of the girl they’re talking about, the one who had a nice roommate, and would have had a nice boyfriend.

I don’t think I ever knew her.

She never would have…

If you’d stayed her, this wouldn’t have happened. Everything would have been different.

I remember you saying once that I’d saved you. I didn’t do a very good job of it, did I? I’m sorry.

Not sorry I met you, not sorry I loved you. Sorry that you got involved in this because of me. Sorry that you’re…

I know you’d tell me that I don’t control the world, and I didn’t control you, but I wish… I wish I’d never suggested it, I wish I’d never watched you and seen you shaking. I wish you hadn’t decided to come to that meeting, or to London.

I wish you’d never met me.

I wish you were walking around the streets of Dublin with a boyfriend you didn’t really like, in a job where you really were going to be successful. Because at least you’d still be… And maybe I could have met you later, after, and we could have been happy.

But we were happy. I wanted it to go on for ever.

Alex told me it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I think she was trying to help, but I just… I wanted to slap her. I wanted to scream at her, you fucking try it! I’ll take Sarina away from you, and you tell me that’s better!

At least no-one here will say that. I don’t think most of them know why I’m here. Actually, I don’t think they even know who I am.

I haven’t said anything, to anyone. I know you’d laugh at that, at me keeping quiet. I don’t know what to say to them, to any of them. I feel like an intruder.

I have to get out of here.

I’m in a Catholic church, and they’re playing a hymn, and I don’t…

I can’t be here any more.

I hope you don’t mind, I borrowed your MP3 player. Well, less borrowed it and more took it. I’m sorry.

I thought the songs would make me cry. I hoped they would. It seemed like a way of saying I knew you weren’t coming back, cos I knew you’d be angry if you did. But I kept thinking, I hope she doesn’t catch me. I hope she doesn’t find out.

I cried through the whole plane ride. I knew why every single song on there was there, where you first heard it, or why it was special, and I knew how you would have looked when you were listening to it, whether you would have smiled or sung along, or closed your eyes… I even knew what you would have seen when you closed your eyes.

I wonder if I’m turning into you.

It’s not very warm out here, although the sun is shining. Maybe it’s just me.

I wish someone would just hold me, just for a moment.

I wish I’d never come.

I wish you were here.

I’m sorry.



And in other news... went to Alton Towers yesterday with a group of students, and froze to death. What happened to summer?!? One of them asked me why I wanted to leave them... and it's very hard to explain that I love them and don't want to leave them, but that I can't actually stand the management and the school. But it's nice to know they'll miss me anyway... well, till the new teacher comes :)