Someone please kill me...

[bluflamingo]

Before boredom does. Seriously, is there anything worse than having to write a 'reflexive report' on a project you hated doing in the first place, for a tutor who you're pretty sure thinks you're stupid and also wrong, and doesn't even know your name after 10 weeks.

Because if there is, I'd really like to hear it, since this is *destroying my will to live*. I'd rather be writing replicator coding with the Wraith... Well, possibly not, since I guess it might eat me if I got it wrong, which I probably would, since I know nothing about coding. But the point is similar, if currently somewhat lost.

I'm glad that class is over anyway - I never felt like it was a safe space where I could disagree with people, and it always seemed like when I made a differing point from the consensus, people took it deeply personally, and with not much respect for people's right to disagree. I'm so glad that tutor's not taking my gender module next semester, which I thought she might be, though I suspect quite a few of the people from that class will be.

See, this is the problem with having a minority opinion - you can never just give it and have people nod along, you always have to explain, usually at great length, what you mean, and then defend it against a bunch of people who basically think you're wrong because you're not giving a majority view. And sometimes it just gets so tiring - like getting asked the same questions every time someone realises I'm gay. I could so live without another ten weeks of it next semester, especially with a group of people who seem to think my disgreeing with them says something terrible about my moral character.

On the positive side, however:
Yuletide fic is done and submitted!
SGA Santa fic is done and submitted!
Under Mistletoe fic is within 5000 words (I hope) of being done, although it's currently hovering at around 20,000 words, unless my ability to add up has deserted me (not impossible) since I'm handwriting it. Which may turn out to be a mistake when I have to type it up.
SG1 Jubilee fic... has a plot. Well, a plot outline. All right, it has a beginning and an end and a vague idea of what goes in between. That's a good start though, right?

Also gatecreation is looking for more people to sign up for their minor character spring fest. Fics aren't due till the end of March, which is more than three months away... even fics that mysteriously spiral to 20,000 words can be written before then.

No offers of salvation from the accursed report then? Oh well, worth a try.

Comments

Re: Killing your tutor...

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Feeding her to the wraith - I like that idea! Actually, feeding my entire class from this morning to the wraith. At this point, it's possibly the only thing that would make me feel better.

I'm curious about what kind of questions you get asked as well

How do you know you're gay?
How long have you known?
How did your parents react?
Have you ever slept with a guy?
How do you know you're gay if you've never slept with a guy?
How many girls have you slept with?
What kinds of things do you do together? (this is usually the point at which they get told in no uncertain terms just exactly howmuch that is NONE of the business and they can shut up any time).
Do you think you just think you're gay because... (insert ridiculous theory here)?

In fairness, the last few are actually pretty rare, because most of the people I know aren't at quite that level of assholeishness, and the people who ask the others ask in a nice way. I understand that people are curious, and in some cases I'm the first openly gay person they've ever known they knew. I just feel like printing up cards some days - it'd be less tiring.

I've just learned how to be a chameleon.

I can't do that. I don't feel like I have to shout my difference to the world (well, actually, I do, but I respect the right of people to have me not do that) but I don't do blending in. If someone asks a question, they're getting my answer, and if they say something I don't like, they're going to hear why. If they can't handle knowing that I'm gay, or that I believe in something they don't, then the solution will be a lot of arguments, or them getting out of my life. That said, I think it's easier for me to do this because of the place I'm in. For a lot of people, blending's the only, or even just their preferred, option.

I think it's because I've had bad experiences with long-time friends before - I'd rather know upfront and early if someone's going to turn out to be a raging homophobe, for example, so I can get rid of them before I'm attached enough for it to hurt.

Sorry, that was probably way more of a response than you were looking for!

Re: Killing your tutor...

[army-rat.livejournal.com]

Actually that was not too much response at all! LOL My first impulse is to point at that this is YOUR journal and if you can't say what you want here...

But then I realize that this is LJ, and being new here I found out only just yesterday how much far-righteous indignation and influence have been wielded on these pages. I think that's a shame and on the advice of Dossier I have opened accounts under the name Army_Rat at InsaneJournal and GreatestJournal just in case.

Now some of the questions I got, especially from women who thought I was gay were very pointed questions about physical affection. Those were easy enough to dodge. But I also heard the more generlized...

What kinds of things do you do together?

That question should certainly be easy enough to answer... "We go to movies, out to dinner, watch TV together... LOLOLOL

As for being a chameleon... There was a time when I wasn't. I was a fan, a radical, a nerd, and didn't care who knew it. Then I went into the military for 3 years. I learned to be a chameleon very quickly, even though I REALLY didn't fit in there at all. Intelligence in an officer is expected, but I was that rare intelligent enlisted man. That is a dangerous thing to be. Especially when you are the kind of person who tends to question political authority in the first place. And after I got out I went back to my old ways only to find out that being 'out there' even a little is a good way to lose a good job, or even to keep from being promoted within an otherwise good company.

So now I work in a warehouse for a manufacturing company. I work around machinists, welders, assemblers and every other kind of redneck from the Midwest. I make sure my bosses (especially the owner of the company) know that I am smarter than the average idiot, but other than that I keep my background and interests away from prying eyes. It's not even a matter of don't ask, don't tell. It's a matter of not giving them any reason to think of asking if I might be anything other than what they are.

I only have to do that for 8 to 10 hours a day and then I can be myself again. But I have seen what happens to other people who wear their fandoms on their sleeves in public, be it at work or otherwise, and I'm sure you are aware that the results are usually not pretty.

Well, there is my excessively long post, and I probably sound like a hypocrite, but thanks for giving me the chance to say some of these things.

Re: Killing your tutor...

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, lj's been a bit, um, fraught, lately. I try to have a policy of you can say what you want in my journal, within reason (which yes, I will be arbitrarily defining) but you say it politely and with an ear to what everyone else is saying, and if you can't I ban you. Not that I ever have to use this policy, since nothing ever really kicks off in my journal (thank goodness)!

You don't sound like a hypocrite at all - I see why people behave in all sorts of ways in their own lives, and I respect that they do what they have to/want to. I can certainly see why you'd want to be a chameleon. I'm lucky, actually, in that the worst I have to face right now if I express a differing opinion is coming out of class feeling shaky and upset, because I'm in the kind of environment where that is more or less acceptable. I don't think I could manage to blend in though, if I had to, or at least not long term, so my response is to put myself in situations where I don't have to.

Like I said, whatever works for the individual person.

q>thanks for giving me the chance to say some of these things

You're more than welcome - when they're not being stupid and offensive, I'm always interested in what other people have to say :)

Re: Killing your tutor...

[army-rat.livejournal.com]

This may sound a bit crazy but I printed out your last missive so that I could go offline and take some time to answer.

If you don’t mind I have some observations I would like to share with you followed by some questions.

Let’s start with the fact that I am 48 years old and working in what can easily be described as a ‘male dominated environment’ with all the historical connotations that the term carries. Most of the people who work here are within 10 years of my age one way or the other, but there is a small group of men who classify as the ‘younger generation’.

I’m going to talk specifically about Dustin since he represents one of the extreme ends of that group. He is 26, unmarried but living with his girlfriend of 4 years, has a tendency to dress for work like he would for a heavy-metal club on a Friday night. He puts different colors in his hair, has some crazy earrings, wears a stocking cap on his head, and generally presents himself with a very particular style. He is incredibly intelligent, does his work with both skill AND imagination, and obviously has skills with the computer (and his brain) that he uses outside of work. He obviously does not fit the mold of the average worker in this company but he has earned the respect of his fellow employees as well as management. His work was computerized analysis and testing of the systems that our company builds.

Until two weeks ago. The man who was in charge of our ISO-9001 compliance program left the company for a better job, and Dustin was offered the opportunity to take his place. He’s thrilled with the new job because it gives him a chance to learn a complete new set of skills that he can use here as well as take to almost any other company he might end up working for. It was also a chance to get out of the poorly heated production floor environment and get into an office job.

So this week I noticed that Dustin has gotten his hair cut, removed the color from it, toned down his earring selection, and yesterday was wearing a pullover sweater that would have made Ward Cleaver proud!

Just to make sure I’m giving you the correct impression I want to say that Dustin and I get along pretty well. I think he is a pretty cool young man and he seems to think that I’m all right for an old guy.

So now I get back to talking about being a chameleon. I haven’t had the heart to ask Dustin if the change of appearance is deliberate on his part in order to fit in better with the office environment.

Now I am going to lay out some of my assumptions and ask a question or two.
I’m guessing you are at a full time university and that you are a senior or post-grad student. I’m guessing that you are in the 21 to 23 age range. You’ve just told me that you are in an ok environment in which to express differing opinions, but that you don’t feel you could blend into an environment where your opinions would be in the constant minority.

My first question is: How is this going to affect your career after school? Are you in a major where you will be able to get a job where your lifestyle and opinions are the norm instead of the minority?

From where I am standing I see you in an environment where you are among your peer group in age and presumably somewhat in background. I will be the first the say that two people can share similar experiences and come away with completely differing viewpoints and attitudes towards those experiences. Have you ever analyzed what it is that makes you different from your peer group?

And lastly, for now, do you think my reaction of being a chameleon is a part of generational differences between my age and yours? Or, keeping in mind the illustration of Dustin, is it a matter of environment? I’m really interested in your answers because I suspect that at least in part there is a strong generational difference, despite the example of Dustin.

And on that note I will finish this and start locking up for the day! Have a good evening.

Jay

Re: Killing your tutor...

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Firstly, can I just say that your friend sounds really cool, and yay for him on getting promoted.

To answer your questions: yes, your assumptions are pretty much correct (I'm actually nearly 26, but that's pretty minor). Yes, my feeling that I couldn't live in an environment where I had to blend so much that I couldn't be what I see myself as will affect my career options when I finish my masters, but that's always going to be the case because I can't handle being in a job where I can't be open about being gay. That said, I don't mind being in a minority in terms of lifestyle and opinins (I am in society in general), but I want to be somewhere where my opinions and my lifestyle will be respected (my problem with what people say in my classes is that they say things that are offensive, for example, about gay people, while knowing I'm gay). I'm studying sociology, so my hope is that I can find a job where people will be open and respectful.

Second question: I don't like to think this, and I don't know if it's true, but I think being gay, being a pagan, having quite 'out there' opinions gives me a perspective that my more conventional, for want of a better word, colleagues don't have. It makes it easier for me to be sympathetic to people who are different because I'm one of them. I'm not sure whether my actions cause my desire to be different and not blend or vice versa, but I also think this is a big part of it - most of the people I know don't want to stand out.

Third question: I don't think it'spossible to generalise, really. I'm sure generational gap is part of it, as is environment, personality, type of difference etc. I guess generation is important in terms of how society was when people from different generations were growing up - if something's more acceptable for my generation, maybe we're less likely to feel we should disguise it, if that makes sense. But I think we all wind up in situations where we have to blend - I mean, I say I don't want to, but I have, and I've kept quiet. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say here, sorry.

Thanks for your comments - it's really interesting to discuss this with someone with really quite different experiences from me.

Re: Killing your tutor...

[army-rat.livejournal.com]

Hello again, sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday but I have had a cold so bad I left work early (by popular demand) and went home and slept. And since I don’t currently have internet access at home I do all this at work. (I’m waiting several months before I take care of the internet thing at home, long story)

Some of the things you said kind of amaze me. I thought that most of the issues you seem to be dealing with were social issues that my generation had already dealt with and (mostly anyway) put an end to. Obviously I was wrong.

Now even I’m not foolish enough to believe that the whole gay/lesbian issue is anywhere nearly dealt with, but I seriously thought that being openly gay was far more acceptable, especially among younger people, than your experiences seem to imply.

This may be only my personal experience, but I have had openly gay friends since my late teens and early twenties. My daughter, who is 16, has been exposed to a whole realm of people (friends of both mine and her mothers) who practice alternate lifestyles. It’s my understanding from talking to her that anyone professing to be gay (in her high school) has a large and vocal support group. I had thought (foolish me) that since being openly gay (at least in large cities) has been commonplace, though not COMPLETELY safe, for over thirty years that among your age group it would virtually past commenting on. You are telling me that I am very, very wrong.

Being a pagan is another area where I had thought more generalized acceptance has taken place than what you are indicating to me. I remember when Wicca first started to come out in public places (the mid to late 70’s) and of course the first people to come out openly were reviled for it. But I’ve heard the Wiccan religion discussed openly where I work here! (Among the rednecks of the Midwest) Now I’m not going to tell you that they were in favor of it, but the discussion I heard was between several men whose wives were exploring Wicca as their own personal option, and while it wasn’t something these men were interested in at all, they certainly weren’t going to be completely negative about it since it involved someone they love. Again, I thought that this showed a huge amount of social progress that your statements imply is untrue in your personal experience.

Now I personally am Episcopalian, so I have had the gay issue shoved in my face for the last few years and it’s tearing my church apart, which makes me very unhappy. In terms of people that I have known for over 10 years I am closer friends with more gays and Wiccans than I am Episcopalians. (My ex-wife is Baptist and has a lot of the same issues I do! LOL The fact that she writes a lot of slash fanfic makes be wonder at the devoutness of her faith.)

I agree that your generation is less likely to feel the need to disguise who they are when they differ from the norm, although you might be surprised how many people of my generation felt the same at younger than your age. And please don’t feel sorry about admitting that you sometimes blend in to avoid confrontation. In my experience there are only two types of people who are completely indifferent to the attitudes of others. Those who are completely spoiled and those who are ascetics. Both kinds of people are the kind that just make me want to pop them in the mouth! I’m sure that both kinds of people feel exactly the same way about me!  Anyway, VERY FEW people want to be disliked, or be in confrontations constantly, so we pick our battles where we can and keep a low profile when we want to.

For a lot of reasons I have to admit that my background and experiences are very different from the norm for my generation, but I still feel I can speak for my generation as a whole as I’m sure you do as well. We both know our peers, sometimes better than we want to. I’m just kind of sorry that more of your peers are not as understanding and accepting as I seem to find mine.

Re: Killing your tutor...

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Rats, lj just ate my comment, and now I can't really remember what I said. But I shall try...

I do remember saying that I hope you're feeling better - colds suck.

My theory is that each generation deals with different issues related to a certain group (so your generation dealt with decriminalising being gay, and my generation is dealing [badly] with the idea of gay marriage, for example). So we're always considering the issue in some way. In fairness, a lot of people are fine with the idea of people being gay or whatever the issue is, but there are also a lot of people who are okay with it in the abstract, but not when they actually have to really think about it, and I seem to be dealing with a lot more of the latter this week.

I think you're definitely right when you say that people find it easier to be different from the norm when they're younger, for a whole host of reasons, and that it maybe gets less easy as they get older. I'm less sure about the idea of blending because they don't want people to dislike them - I mean, I don't want people to dislike me, but if they're going to dislike me because of who I am, I don't want to be around them, rather than wanting to hide who I am. I guess I feel quite strongly about this, and I understand that it's an unrealistic desire for my life, but I really don't want to be around people who can't cope with me because I'm gay, or because I have strong opinions or whatever.

The thing is, though, I'm increasingly coming to think that I really can't speak for my generation, because I don't get so many of them, and I don't think they get me. So I guess I don't understand my generation, maybe, or not the reality of what it's like and thinks. Which actually makes me pretty sad, because I always thought most people in my generation were like me in the way they thought, with me being towards an extreme, and now I think, actually, maybe we're on different scales.

Re: Killing your tutor...

[army-rat.livejournal.com]

Good Morning. I still have a cold but I feel MUCH better today.

I’m not completely positive but I am pretty sure it was Heinlein who made a remark about how the children of a generation are more likely to accept the tenets of their grandparents rather than their parents. While I can see how those comments may have applied to children of his generation and older I’m not sure how valid that statement is today. But in a number of things that you have said about your generation I’m not sure that it is completely invalid either.

I am considered a tail-end Baby Boomer. In one way or another I socialize with a fairly large number of people who range from their late twenties to mid-thirties. I find that for the most part the people of that age range who were educated at universities tend to be far more conservative and likely to vote Republican than those either have no higher education or those who were educated at other state and federal institutions. (for that last euphemism read ‘prison’)

I find this to be an interesting change from my own generation where the reverse seems to be true. People of my age who are college educated seem to be more liberal than others of my age who tend to inhabit the ‘lower income ranges’.

God how I both love and hate political correctness. I can be incredibly blunt sometimes but political correctness allows a level of sarcasm that would be unavailable otherwise!

I’ve walked both sides of that income line, and am currently straddling it in attempt to climb back up again. Our mutual friend Dossier is occasionally distressed by some of the people that I hang out with. She seems to feel that if I hang out with losers I will become a loser. But I still maintain contact with some of the people I hung around with when I was on the upper side of the income line as well.

I’ve just read back and I’m not sure exactly where this is headed myself except to say that I DO feel qualified to speak for my generation, even though in a lot of ways it’s strictly by observation. I can feel where you are coming from when you way that your peers ‘don’t get you’. I’ve been there. I’m STILL there. (Remind me to send you my rant on why gay marriage should be legalized, with caveats about when and where it should be recognized by the Episcopal Church. It’s an argument that I took to Diocesan Council in East Texas 4 years ago and had people on BOTH sides of the argument screaming for my head.)

I think you are probably in a good position to speak for your generation, even though that generation may not speak for you. You seem to have pretty good observational skills that include ears as well as eyes. Before you decide that you may be on a different set of scales than others of your age group, please take a look at class structure. America is anything BUT a classless society, but economics are not the only way that class is divided or decided. Take a closer look at how some of your own thoughts and values are different from your peers and compare those across differences that are other than economic and maybe you’ll have a better idea of where your scales connect with theirs instead of just seeing the differences.

You come across on LJ as a very nice person. I would dislike it for you to be sad!

OH YEAH! Remind me to comment on your first paragraph again! I hate it when work interferes with the thought processes!

Re: Killing your tutor...

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

I think you are probably in a good position to speak for your generation, even though that generation may not speak for you.

I really like that as an explanation - it seems like something that sociologists would embrace, actually... though maybe not so much nowadays, come to think of it.

You come across on LJ as a very nice person. I would dislike it for you to be sad!

Aw, thank you. So do you.