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This should be a ranty post, really, but I'm too tired to even rant. Give me a few days and I'll be back to my normal ranty self, but right now, I'm so fed up with this, I haven't the energy.
The thing is, in the last couple of weeks, I've
- been wolf-whistled in the street
- been told that this is really a compliment and I should be flattered
- been told that if I wear a slightly low-cut top, I have to expect that men will not only look at the tiny bit of my cleavage they can see, but also not be able to take their eyes off it
- had a twenty minute conversation with a guy I work with, all of which was conducted to my breasts
- had a guy I've never spoken to in my life come and put his hand against mine, then move after me to do it again when I moved away
- found out that I'm about to be working with someone who thinks 'is your wife hot?' is an okay question to ask his brand new supervisor, and also feels that it's okay to announce, in front of said supervisor after he's explained that actually his wife is not his wife but his husband, that 'I don't like gay people, I don't like what they get up to and I think it's wrong, but it's fine unless they try to come on to me'.
And the thing is, none of this is even really new. Most of it happens every year. It's just - is it so hard to understand that I dress in these clothes, in the same way I dress in everything I wear, because I like how I look, not because I want people to ogle me? Do men really have so little self-control that they become utterly transfixed by the slightest hint of cleavage, and are incapable of looking at my face while I talk to them?
My friend said, about the new guy at work, that at least I can educate him, and my first thought was, yeah, but I don't want to have to. He's 32, he should know better by now, and I'm not a walking education in how to treat women and gay people, or what's appropriate to say in the work place. If I wanted to do that, I'd get a job as a diversity and equality trainer. I just want to be able to go about my day and not have to put up with all this, and right now I think, it must be so nice to be a man, because whatever else you have to put up with, you don't have to put up with this.
Also, if one more man listens to me explain my thesis into perceptions of female date rape victims and tells me that this is a problem for male victims as well, or that not all men who are accused are guilty (which, btw, has absolutely nothing to do with my research), I swear I'm not going to be responsible for what I do or say. I don't need this pointing out to me - I'm not living in a bubble, I get it. Men get raped as well. But that's not what I'm researching, and the way they come out with that right after makes me think they just don't get where I'm coming from at all, and that they can't think about anything except in terms of how it affects them as men.
The thing is, in the last couple of weeks, I've
- been wolf-whistled in the street
- been told that this is really a compliment and I should be flattered
- been told that if I wear a slightly low-cut top, I have to expect that men will not only look at the tiny bit of my cleavage they can see, but also not be able to take their eyes off it
- had a twenty minute conversation with a guy I work with, all of which was conducted to my breasts
- had a guy I've never spoken to in my life come and put his hand against mine, then move after me to do it again when I moved away
- found out that I'm about to be working with someone who thinks 'is your wife hot?' is an okay question to ask his brand new supervisor, and also feels that it's okay to announce, in front of said supervisor after he's explained that actually his wife is not his wife but his husband, that 'I don't like gay people, I don't like what they get up to and I think it's wrong, but it's fine unless they try to come on to me'.
And the thing is, none of this is even really new. Most of it happens every year. It's just - is it so hard to understand that I dress in these clothes, in the same way I dress in everything I wear, because I like how I look, not because I want people to ogle me? Do men really have so little self-control that they become utterly transfixed by the slightest hint of cleavage, and are incapable of looking at my face while I talk to them?
My friend said, about the new guy at work, that at least I can educate him, and my first thought was, yeah, but I don't want to have to. He's 32, he should know better by now, and I'm not a walking education in how to treat women and gay people, or what's appropriate to say in the work place. If I wanted to do that, I'd get a job as a diversity and equality trainer. I just want to be able to go about my day and not have to put up with all this, and right now I think, it must be so nice to be a man, because whatever else you have to put up with, you don't have to put up with this.
Also, if one more man listens to me explain my thesis into perceptions of female date rape victims and tells me that this is a problem for male victims as well, or that not all men who are accused are guilty (which, btw, has absolutely nothing to do with my research), I swear I'm not going to be responsible for what I do or say. I don't need this pointing out to me - I'm not living in a bubble, I get it. Men get raped as well. But that's not what I'm researching, and the way they come out with that right after makes me think they just don't get where I'm coming from at all, and that they can't think about anything except in terms of how it affects them as men.
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no subject
I've had that conversation about wolf whistling/cat calling; a male friend of mine claims that these actions really are intended as compliments and the (poor, poor) men just don't know any better way to compliment or interact with women. It's very frustrating. (I'm still trying to get across to him the idea that many women, most of the time, do you not want to receive comments on their appearance of any sort from men they don't know, and sometimes from men they do. There seems to be an underlying assumption that women are supposed to be happy to get any sort of positive attention from any man.)
no subject
I think that's it exactly - I'm going to borrow this phrase next time it comes up, because I always struggle to put into words exactly why it isn't a compliment. It's one thing to be chatting to someone you don't know and have them compliment you (I do it a lot while I'm working near a patient, saying I like their shirt or their headscarf or whatever, but in a conversation) but whistling at someone - I'm sorry, but there are very few people with enough confidence to do that and simultaneously no knowledge of how better to interact with a woman.