(no subject)

[bluflamingo]

This should be a ranty post, really, but I'm too tired to even rant. Give me a few days and I'll be back to my normal ranty self, but right now, I'm so fed up with this, I haven't the energy.

The thing is, in the last couple of weeks, I've

- been wolf-whistled in the street
- been told that this is really a compliment and I should be flattered
- been told that if I wear a slightly low-cut top, I have to expect that men will not only look at the tiny bit of my cleavage they can see, but also not be able to take their eyes off it
- had a twenty minute conversation with a guy I work with, all of which was conducted to my breasts
- had a guy I've never spoken to in my life come and put his hand against mine, then move after me to do it again when I moved away
- found out that I'm about to be working with someone who thinks 'is your wife hot?' is an okay question to ask his brand new supervisor, and also feels that it's okay to announce, in front of said supervisor after he's explained that actually his wife is not his wife but his husband, that 'I don't like gay people, I don't like what they get up to and I think it's wrong, but it's fine unless they try to come on to me'.

And the thing is, none of this is even really new. Most of it happens every year. It's just - is it so hard to understand that I dress in these clothes, in the same way I dress in everything I wear, because I like how I look, not because I want people to ogle me? Do men really have so little self-control that they become utterly transfixed by the slightest hint of cleavage, and are incapable of looking at my face while I talk to them?

My friend said, about the new guy at work, that at least I can educate him, and my first thought was, yeah, but I don't want to have to. He's 32, he should know better by now, and I'm not a walking education in how to treat women and gay people, or what's appropriate to say in the work place. If I wanted to do that, I'd get a job as a diversity and equality trainer. I just want to be able to go about my day and not have to put up with all this, and right now I think, it must be so nice to be a man, because whatever else you have to put up with, you don't have to put up with this.

Also, if one more man listens to me explain my thesis into perceptions of female date rape victims and tells me that this is a problem for male victims as well, or that not all men who are accused are guilty (which, btw, has absolutely nothing to do with my research), I swear I'm not going to be responsible for what I do or say. I don't need this pointing out to me - I'm not living in a bubble, I get it. Men get raped as well. But that's not what I'm researching, and the way they come out with that right after makes me think they just don't get where I'm coming from at all, and that they can't think about anything except in terms of how it affects them as men.

Comments

[ticketsonmyself.livejournal.com]

I came here from your excellent story at lgbtfest, but I have to chime in with a great big WORD to everything you've said here. So many people think it has to be all about what men feel, including the issue of rape, and women just have to make allowances for men... but no. There's no excuse for harassment, and anyone who drags out the old "men can't help it" canard is not only enabling harassment, but revealing deep-seated misandry, of all things—their opinion of men is so low, they think men can't function in a civil society well enough to interact with other people as people rather than pieces of meat. You're under no obligation to make allowances, or turn it into a "learning experience" for bigots, or to put up with groping and harassment, or to tolerate homophobic comments. Ugh. The whole harassment = flattery fallacy reminds me of an article (http://thehathorlegacy.com/feminism/why-if-you-think-harassment-is-flattering-you-are-stupid/) over at the Hathor Legacy about harassment (comments are insightful, too):

Strange men do not hoot at, yell at, or leer at you because they think you’re hot. They do those things because they think you’re vulnerable and needy. If you think they want you sexually, you need some serious education on power psychology. They want to feel like they’re on top of you, but not in the way you imagine.

When you see someone attractive, it’s natural to look. But not to stare - there are rules against staring throughout the animal kingdom. And you don’t talk unless the person you’re looking at says something to you first, because when you get caught looking, it would be aggressive to follow that up with verbalization. This is something your cat understands, for pete’s sake. ... Discreet looks are flattering because they reflect only a natural aesthetic reaction. Leering - staring overtly at someone who’s watching you stare - signals aggression. Uninvited verbalizations are also aggressive - that’s why when the salesman at the kiosk leaps out to ask you if you ever get split ends, you feel pressured and cornered (until you realize you’re entitled to tell them to back off and leave you alone because they started the hostility and you’re only responding in kind)...

Ask yourself: why do men typically leer and catcall in packs? Rarely will one man by himself with no buddies around look you over and say something about your appearance. Because they know deep down it’s aggressive, not merely appreciative. Ask yourself: why do they continue to yell daily at women who’ve told them clearly to back off? Because they’re so concerned she understand how sexy they find her? Or is it maybe a little more likely they like pissing her off because it’s a power struggle, not a sex game.

[ticketsonmyself.livejournal.com]

Though I really don't think a woman has to be needy in order for some guy or guys to harass her. It's a power game originating in the harasser's head, after all. The article is a response to "Catcalling: creepy or a compliment?" at CNN, in which a woman argues that street harassment is actually flattering.

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the link to the article, and the comment. The whole thing about aggression is it exactly - I refuse to believe there are any men out there who think that whistling at a girl is going to get her to fall for them; it's so true that we don't realise we're entitled to tell people to back off either. I mean, I have a whole set of things I do to people try to get me to donate money to charities in the street, but not once do I just tell them to leave me alone, because it seems rude. Even though not taking the hint that I'd like them to is just as rude. Sigh.