bluflamingo

The comments on this article at feministe make me so angry.

The article is about how choosing to take your husband's name on marriage is not a feminist choice, and that, essentially, the reasons many people give for doing this aren't really great feminist reasons (which doesn't make women who do this unfeminist, just that this isn't a feminist choice) and that feminism isn't actually about 'I'm a woman, it's my choice, therefore it's feminist.' The comments are full of people raging at the author for daring to say that the choice they made isn't a feminist one, and their reasons aren't feminist. That she's attacking them for their choices. That she's going after 'low-hanging fruit' and has chosen a totally ridiculous 'hill to die on.'

And reading it, I just think - could you even acknowledge how fucking lucky you are that you can marry the person you want to be with? And that there's convention for what happens to your name afterwards? And that you can make a choice to adhere to tradition, because it exists? Without being judged for that decision (and no, what the article says is not judging)? That your relationship is steeped in centuries of privilege for being a woman who wants to be with a man, and this is the one thing about it that you're going to be told is maybe not so ok?

Because, right now, my country is debating whether I even have the right to marry a hypothetical future woman I love, or whether I should carry on having a second class ceremony. People are arguing that religious beliefs (by which they mean Christian) trump what should be rights. That letting gay people marry will somehow damage young children. That it's OK to publicly say 'I think that if you're gay you should have fewer rights,' without fear of any kind of actual real reprisal. Because, basically, homophobia's OK.

Right now, I wish my biggest problem around marriage was whether a feminist on the internet thinks that my decision to follow tradition isn't very feminist.

Two name-related anecdotes...

My sister got married a little over a year ago, and it honestly never occurred to me that she'd take her husband's name until a few months before the wedding. I don't know why not, since she's very traditional. I remember saying to my mum that it's like she's no longer identified with our family - because it is. She's not identified as a new family with him, she's identified as part of his birth family, not ours.

I want to change my last name. I want to take my mother's maiden name, for many reasons, including practical ones like it's a lot easier for people to spell than my current last name, and ideological ones like, I have a troubled relationship with my father and his mother, and my blood-grandfather, who died long before I was born, sounds like someone I would be scared of, but I love my mother's family, and want to show that I belong to them. When I told this to my mother, she said that if I changed my name, it would be like I no longer identified as her daughter. Totally not the same when my sister does it though, because she's marrying a man and that's what you do.

Is my choice more feminist than my sister's? I have no idea. But it's a hell of a lot less acceptable, less normal, more likely to be commented on, more expensive, more complicated.

But yeah, what sucks is being told that your choice to take your husband's name isn't feminist.

Oh God, are we doing 'women writing m/m slash are just fetishizing gay male relationships' again already? Really?

Okay, I've missed most of the debate because I don't want to read it, so I can't exactly claim to be knowledgeably commenting about what people are saying, beyond the bits other people are quoting when they link, but can I just say for the record:

Not all of us write m/m, or f/f fic because we think it's hot. Some of us write it because in our world, people are gay, and since we're not going to see gay space explorers or gay marines or gay FBI agents on our tv screens any time soon, we have to write it ourselves, so we do.

Because in my world, Lorne's gay and John's bi, and so's Cadman, and probably Cam. And Colby. I'm not pretending they are because I think they're pretty together, and I know I'm not supposed to read them that way, but authorial intent actually doesn't matter, and I do think they are. And if they are, and it's a relationship story, since they're grown adults, they sometimes have sex, and if I'm bothering to write it, yes, I try to make it sexy, because it should be, as a general thing, like horror should be scary (which is why I don't write it).

I'm not totally sure what my point is, other than 'if I see one more thing about how all slash fic is by straight women either getting off on two men in bed together, or just trying to be edgy,' I shall scream.

Also: gay and bi women do exist, and we do write slash fic, male and female, and it wouldn't kill all the gay men who seem to be complaining about slash fic to remember that once in a while, because the more they don't, the more I'm disinclined to bother to listen to what they have to say, since I don't like being invisible, and I don't like being told off by someone who doesn't seem like they've got all the facts before they started.

Also: fucking talk to me when you're ready to talk about people fetishizing gay women in their fic, if you're talking about it for gay men. Personally, I say, if you want to write any kind of fic, knock yourself out (just don't make me read the het, I get bored), but, seriously, either it's fine to write f/f *and* m/m or it's not fine to write either. And if your argument is basically 'it's derogatory to a marginalised group,' yes, you need to be talking about people writing about gay women in there somewhere as well, no matter how much less prevalent it is. Otherwise, you're not fighting discrimination, you're just complaining (like me, but then I'm not claiming that I'm fighting discrimination, I'm just pointing out what's pissed me off today).

Also: actually, I don't care what you think about me and people like me and what we do for fun. We're not hurting you (which, yes, I do feel I can say, since I'm a gay woman and people write f/f fic) so just leave us alone to get on with it in peace, please.

And no, if you were wondering, I'm not having a great week, and my patience is severely limited.